18 Aug, Friday - This date will be a significance because it is the day you got fired. It was a very hard day for you because suddenly you went from making 5 digits to nothing. It is scary, I know. But here are a few things you need to remember in your term:

• 2/10 of your clients failed to renew and possibly didn’t like you but 8/10 did.
• 8/10 of those clients - 1 of them offered you a job abroad to join their team. What this means is that they love you, they believe in you and they want you. You aren’t useless.
• In your 10 months with this company, you have successfully renewed and gained the trust of 2 clients that were deemed difficult to renew. This means, you have done your job; perhaps you could’ve done more, but it is ok.
• Truth is, you were in the company for 3 months and you’ve already shown tremendous good work by building a strong relationship not only with client but with your internal content team who deemed your previous predecessor “mean” or “difficult”.
• You have never once thrown malice towards your clients and team members.
• You even helped your sexual predator manager to do HIS job.
• You complied to their silly time management tool when your manager didn’t.

The list go on & on….

What I’m trying to say is. This isn’t the end for you.

Because the second this door closed, you were offered another job quite immediately. Was it ideal? No. Are you upset? Maybe a little hurt but truth is, you’ve been burnt out since March.

You’ve been yearning for a holiday and when you got one on your birthday, it was HELL. It wasn’t pleasant and you kept getting sick and YOU’RE STILL SICK. But you have a new relationship, your peace, savings & time to finally wind down and get the rest you deserve.

Keep moving on, Amanda. You got this. I know you can. I know you will.

7 July - I went to Terry’s wedding in hopes to repay all his kindness and love he has showered me over the past couple of years. I have never been more thankful for someone eventhough I’ve rejected him for more 20 times in the past 2 years.

Going to Brunei for the first time, not knowing anybody; I was destined to stick by the groom through this very challenging time for him. Why did you ask? Well, his wedding is what we would call “a shotgun wedding” aka unexpected pregnancy.

Context: Terry and Rachel got pregnant after dating for 4 months and decided to be good christian families and marry each other.

The entire wedding was honestly interesting, not only was I pushed in different directions to look for a new bf from his family members but Terry himself teased me by asking me if I wanna find a Bruneian boyfriend. It got pretty exhausting and tiring after awhile, I even yelled at him to stfu for the 5th time.

Low and behold, I met Bryant, omg Bryant. LOL.

Both Bryant and Ryan (the groomsmen) were tasked to “take care of me” during the wedding dinner cause Terry would never be able to anyway. He was far too busy getting high off his tits and drunk to even care bout me - so I understand and oblige.

Bryant was the first dude I really noticed cause, well, he was the only other dude covered in tattoos and he looked somewhat normal compared to the other jarringly Bruneian Chinese people there. But the INFJ in me was strong, I was too shy to say hi or introduce myself. Funny thing is, so was Bryant.

Of course, extroverted Ryan (his bestie) decided to walk up to me and introduce themselves to me (thankgod) cause I wouldn’t have done it myself.

TLDR: We ended up getting pretty fucked up and blacked out for most of the wedding. Turns out Bryant and I were pretty close the entire night (we didn’t remember a single thing). We spent the night knocked out on my bed cause Bryant had a flat tyre sending me back to my hotel.

But who could blame him? I mean look at me I’m gorgeous LOL. OK, jokes aside, we did end up spending the rest of my days in Brunei together cause Terry ended up in the doghouse with Rachel for the 2 nights after seemingly abandoning her at their own wedding and attempting to kiss me (you cannot make this shit up guys).

Upon leaving the country, I found myself missing Bryant and wishing we had more than a couple of days together….we spoke bout this for 2 nights in a row after I left and he decided to fly down after.

The reason was simple:

1. My birthday celebration - she turned 30 guys haha
2. To spend more time and explore what this could potentially be

My birthday wasn’t something to shout about. It didn’t really matter to me how I celebrated being 30 but it mattered who was there for it. I had an amazing time either way cause Bryant was there. I really think losing Aaron was a manifestation of what Bryant came to be in my life.

Someone who is unexpected, calm, kind and caring. OMG I don’t think I have ever been more in love. My heart swells in the happiest manner when I talk to him eventhough it is thru the phone. It was amazing.

Come my actual birthday, I had to fly off to Copenhagen with my family and I was DREADING it. I wish I could back out of this truly. I wish I could just take the 2 weeks I am off to spend it with Bryant anywhere I want. I wish I could just do it.

Bryant said he would be home at mine when I come back cause thats how much he misses me too. And for the love of God, bless this man cause eventhough we are doing LDR it doesn’t feel like it.

So, work is shitty but turning 30 brought in an unexpected love I didn’t think I would find <3

I am 25 days away from 25 July and this is when I turn 30.

Last night, the ABN Girlies and I looked back on our past 2 years and really pondered on where we are currently and how far we came. It was obvious to them that I was happier.

I guess I am in the chapter of my life that I should really start counting my blessings and hoping for the best. I know I still dwell on my worries and the past, but I’m learning now not to take control of everything. It’s a difficult process but I am really trying.

Looking back, 23 year old me would’ve never guessed this is the life I will be leading now. The fear that I would not be able to achieve success in a conventional way scares me. It almost feels like I’m doom to fail but I know if I feel that way, it will come true. So, I have to be positive.

I’m currently in this chapter of my life where growth and abundance is the most important thing to me. If I don’t take the time to appreciate it I think they will all just fade away and I’m terrified of that outcome.

What is the best way to deal with stress? I'lll need to figure this out. More importantly, I need to put a daily reminder for myself that other people’s problems is NOT my problem. I need to stop inserting myself in them.

As we enter the month of July-Aug, I felt like I should really analyse what I am thankful for and count my blessings a little.

I know being critical of yourself is embedded in our DNA to humble ourselves from delusion. There is a beauty in delusion - its either things are SUPER DUPER BAD or FINE AND DANDY.

Being extremely fearful avoidant, I find myself constantly confusing people and myself on the decisions that I make. It is a constant push and pull that I struggle with all my life with a lack of awareness of it’s existence.

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style distrust others and withdraw from relationships in order to avoid rejection. This leads people with a fearful-avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.

Struggling to manage this part of my life, I managed to fall into the traps of despair every time I make a decision. They were either too reckless or too careful - never anything in between.

So, in order to re-evaluate the quarter of my life, before I turn 30, I won’t be a list of things I want to achieve. Instead, I want to count my blessings and start showing gratitude to myself and my life, including the people who made it possible for these little celebrations.

1. Set boundaries and realise what my dealbreakers are in a relationship.

Let me explain - in the past, I would fight for a relationship and continue to work on it till there was nothing left behind except resentment. MAYBE, just MAYBE, if Aaron and I didn’t breakup the first time around and I didn’t have to grow up after the string of bad luck in 2022, I could tolerate and continue to work on relationships like I used to. So, being able to set boundaries and be honest with myself what I want to keep vs don’t was the biggest step I took to self love and actualisation.

2. Love someone twice

Some might find this very toxic but if you never try, you’ll never know. Hence, no. 1.

3. Performed for a huge festival in the second time of my life

Yes, I performed at Peakstorm Festival to open for Joji. While it may not seem like a feat for most musicians and artist, but it was once in a life time opportunity that I will forever be grateful for.

4. Moved out

I finally did it. There is no way I can describe how lucky I feel to get a place that I only dreamt of getting back in 2020 - and it took 3 years to rent this place. Although, rent is expensive and I am looking for opportunities to move to a new place that would be more affordable. 2024 is a time I wanna focus on growing my wealth and saving money.

5. Travelling with Aaron, meeting each others family, a sense of stability….

It is difficult for me to find stability cause I’ve never known it all my life. But even for that short period of time, visiting his family and travelling to Taiwan & Phuket, I felt like this is it. He is my forever, and his family and friends LOVE me. Unfortunately, no. 1 was the path I decided to take.

6. Dad

Dad is better now and we are planning to travel to Copenhagen and London together as a family.

7. Mum

Mum is open to the idea of counselling and started to see a therapist after hearing me out. In a way, I’m lucky she was even open to it for assistance. I love her.

8. Miso

Miso was with me since 6 June 2023, she has lived with me for 17 days and she will forever be the best emotional support kitty in my life. I have never had a cat with me before so it was an amazing experience. I will miss her so so dearly <3

9. Fixed my relationship with Cel & Cam

10. I’m travelling again

11. I am not chasing relationships anymore

12. I am in a good stable career

13. I have a manager that trust me and doesn’t micro manage me - plus, he kinda has a thing for me or something idk.

14. I got a new tattoo this year so yay

15. Aaron is making tiktok videos of me while I am seemingly unbothered by it

16. I now know Hoeden is not my real friends.

17. I am learning how to swim.

18. I attended Harpreet & Nicole’s wedding this year.

19. I ACTUALLY became friends with Aaron Chan? Wow. lol. The universe is weird.

20. I have great friends and made more this year.

21. People LOVE my apartment and they often compliment it hehe

22. Renewed my insurance policy because I can afford it bitches.

So there will be more blessings and I can’t count but I always do my best to remember them whole heartedly.

If you read it this far, thank you. I hope this brings you peace.

When I moved to this place, I quickly realise how much I loved the peace & quiet it has brought me. I was also going thru the best time of my life starting a new with Aaron and thinking this would be it - this is my future, this is my new beginning.

That all quickly turned sour when things ended for Aaron and I - and now I just feel lost. I started feeling like maybe I didn’t deserve to choose me. Maybe I didn’t deserve to feel like it was the right choice for me to leave a relationship that was volatile and emotionally immature. Maybe I just needed to choose me for once the way he chose himself back then.

Why do I still care bout what he thinks or say? I need a fucking break.

After 2 weeks of breaking up with Aaron, I’ve since went on a couple of casual dates that didn’t end up with anything.

I must admit that although I do not regret the breakup, the separation definitely affected me. But nothing would prepare me for the horrific comeback of Aaron’s breakup content on Tiktok.

I mean god damn….

There was a point in our breakup where he was also posting really cringey content of him sleeping with this girl he met on TikTok. He was practically making soft core porn on the platform. The dude is 35 ffs.

¾ of Shorebitch is now married and here I am, the last one standing. I’m beginning to fear that love life will never thrive even though I hope to manifest a marriage, it scares me how most men these days are horrifically challenged.

I finally got my mum to do therapy and she’s found it unhelpful apparently. I’m hoping that will change after a couple more sessions since this is the proper first one that is happening.

My god does it feel like the year sort of slowed down this month when it was moving so so fast. urgh…

it is truly tiring

29 April is when everything officially ended between Aaron and I. The forever person that I rekindled with is now once again out of my life.

We spent 2 weeks travelling from KL to Phuket back to KL and to Taiwan together. Our families met each other, we bought furniture for the house and we even went around the cities spending the best time together.

Alas, not all fairytales exist. We’ve had arguments that made me feel unsafe. His unkind comments whenever he rages and his selfishness to escalate a disagreement instead of de-escalating; made me realise that this isn’t somebody I can see myself feeling safe around.

Early this year when we decided to give things another shot again, I told him that he would not be my priority. My family & career comes first. After 2022’s ordeal, I’ve decided to make it my mission to make and save as much money as I could. To work extremely hard to have that safety net financially so that I could reap the benefits of it in the future in case of a storm or for luxury.

With the death of yet another relationship, I found this one extremely numbing yet not as dramatically painful as it should be. I found myself moping in sadness and pain and yet the silence was so profoundly loud in my serene apartment. I stopped caring bout taking care of myself for a few days.

They said heartbreak is as physically painful as it is mental and emotional. I felt that at every inch of my core. I lost my home, my forever person and my anchor to my life.

Home was where the heart is right?

Aaron was my home. Aaron was the person I woke up to and the person I fell asleep to. He was the one I turn to for forehead kisses and sweaty palms. The kisses my lips land on in the middle of the night and in the dusk of the morning.

I don’t think people understand how much I’ve grieved in the past couple of years. No one truly cares bout me. It was especially apparent in the way things ended the second time around with Aaron. I asked, “How can someone so serious about me decides to end things with me in the most volatile way?”

Eventually that silence sets in and Tristan offered me to foster his cat for a few days - and now its been 4 days and I absolutely love this cat. She’s my emotional support cat lol.

Today I had the most intense heart to heart talk with my mom. So much of it was shouting and screaming and crying. So much of it was my mom apologizing and telling me she loves me. I love her too. But inside I felt so extremely sad that I had to tell her I hate her and resent her for letting me suffer through so much in my childhood that it affected my relationships with people growing up.

I dont know what else to do but she promised me to speak to Justin; to mend our relationship. I don’t know if this is the legacy she wants to leave behind but if it is, I would be proud of her. This Friday she and I will finally enter Therapy. I truly hope she feels better.

maybe it was from a post vacation depression or maybe I’ve lost sight of what my goals are because I’ve stopped journaling for a long time.

Losing sense of time and self is very possible when you constantly travel and have nothing to ground yourself towards. You forget your goals, whats important and more importantly you indulge too much in the excitement of travel till everything else seems meaningless.

Tonight, I’m reminded that reality sits closer to me as April sets into motion another month of intention. I need to reinforce my goals and remind myself why I’m here.

I felt so sluggish and demotivated this week as I recover from my vacation. I even hurt myself 2 days ago cause I bend down to iron my clothes - who does that? When I literally spent 3 weeks walking around so much. I realise how much I need to keep myself healthy as I edge closer to my 30’s.

It’s been a fun journey having Aaron around me for the past 2 weeks as we travel to Phuket and Taiwan. Meeting his family was the next step in the relationship I didn’t think would come to a fruitful occasion. I also had a the chance to bring him and Momma Chen to meet my family - that was daunting and felt almost impossible that it happened.

It’s starting to feel very real now as much as I’ve been denying this relationship. Cause honestly, till now I still have some doubts towards this relationship when we begin again; I saw some patterns from the past that I didn’t know if I should indulge in.

I know for a fact that if I ever do settle down with Aaron, we have his dad’s backing but what does that future look like. What does the entirety of growing old look like with Aaron? Sometimes, I feel like his therapist and mentor in relationships. It’s true when they say that men never seem to grow up and the only way the mature emotionally is through the guidance of their partner or traumatic experience.

A part of me truly believes that Aaron is attracted to his toxic ways from his past relationships - coupled with the fact that he has a temper and pettiness; begs the question, is he ready for a relationship that doesn’t always serve him? Can he be selfless in the face of disagreements? Can he leave his ego at the door when it comes to effective communication and conflict resolution?

These are all valid worries that have been dancing in my mind since we re-started this relationship and it continues to show signs here and there during his visit here.

I had to remind him that my true goal this year was my career and my family; he will always be the third priority. However, I find myself putting him above all of that this time around and I found myself losing sight of my goals and aspirations.

All the things I told myself to do last month, I did none of that. I feel lost and losing control of all my senses. I need to get back into the groove. I need to find ground again and get things sorted. One of the things I am determined to do is to be consistent with my journaling again.

I need to fill in my schedule on what I NEED TO DO on a daily basis or I will lose sight. Also, I really need to do my taxes damn. lol.

I haven’t had a chance to journal in awhile. Things have gotten so busy these past couple of weeks while I was travelling to SG. It felt like I was only starting my working week when really, it was already the end of the week. I can’t believe a week flew by so quickly.

Everyday I find myself being thankful for the chances I was given for my career. I get to travel (despite my manager’s sexual harassment) I am glad I got a network of people I can trust and love. I met both Singapore & Malaysian team today.

Aaron flew in today, poor boy was so exhausted he is just sweating thru my sheets now. Poor boy literally flew 16 hours non stop to see me and tomorrow we are flying to Phuket together. I have yet packed anything but most of my stuff from SG is still around so Im glad I got to do some form of prep beforehand. Also, I just wanna thank past me for being so well prepared and prepping for an itinerary so that I know what I should be packing for this trip, if not, I ’ll just be suffering. Thank you past me.

I’ve come to my senses on how I haven’t been consistent with my journaling. So much has happened over the weekend that it can be hard to navigate thru the thoughts.

As much as I appreciate the good things that are happening in my life, I also can’t help but wonder how the universe intends to balance that scale. Or maybe after all the terrible things that has happened in 2022, 2023 serves as a way to balance all of that.

I’ve learned that I really do have a way of connecting with people but much to my determent, my inability to say no is scarily consequential. I’m flying off to Singapore this Thursday and my manager, who in previous attempt drunk texted me wants to meet up on Friday before dinner to have a drink with me.

TBH I don’t feel comfortable but at the same time this feels necessary for my advance in the office and I know it sounds terrible to say this but, I’m finally at a good place and I’m afraid I’d be jeopardising things if I say no. I dont know what else to do.

Sunday I went home and had lunch with my parents and they were so happy to go to the mall with me to buy my luggage. Seeing their faces light up as they help me buy something so simple is probably one of the moments I cherish the most. People dont know when you can turn back time. Being away definitely makes me miss my mum and dad more.

Having my own space has definitely allowed me to feel the best version of myself come forward. I also, no longer feel sad whenever I see my friends hang out without me - if this isn’t growth idk what is.

Meanwhile, I have to get ready soon to meet my aunty friends I made over the weekend while I was browsing thru the most unassuming antique shop. Love this chapter I am currently going thru.

Sunday was a great way to escape the shit show my mum created for me cause Leonard decided to invite me to a Sunday Roast & Jam session at Neal’s place. I’ve always wondered what Neal & Nigel were like outside of the club but Nigel wasn’t there.

However, I believe Neal was so nice and his girlfriend Mae was also one of the sweetest person I have ever met. On that note, being able to connect thru music again was great!

Tonight, I got to experience writing songs again cause Leonard said we were gonna go workout but we ended up finishing his song for him lol. I don’t think I would ever feel as grateful towards music than I have in this lifetime. Writing music has always been such a good thing for my soul but it takes the right time and soul alignment for me to achieve that solace. I’m so glad I got back into it.

You would think that after all that has happened to my family that they’d have a change of attitude or heart towards how they do certain things. I am appalled mostly at how my mother continues to talk and treat me whenever it is convenient to her.

Over the weekend, I took the time to go over to my parents place despite nursing a hangover and going for Nuuna’s grand launch exhausted. My mum had to take a stab at my competence just because she can.

I dont think her comments merit any form of discussion but something bout her comments and tone just ticks me off. She went on to say that she had every right to say what she can say to me because she is my mother.

She tried to blame me for my emotional state but the inability to look inward really truly pissed me off. One of the things my mum is convinced shes well aware of is who i am as a person. A part of me feels like she is jealous of the life I get to have and never got to be a part of such independence. Instead, she is stuck with a half paralysed husband and taking care of two useless men at home by herself makes her feel like she entitled to take it out on me because I moved out.

She texted me this after we had argument:

“Good morning. Just concern & worried of you. I think you should check it up with a therapist on your mood swing . I realised you get angry and agitated very fast. You were gentle & happily talking and another minute your temper flare up and you started scolding in public. I was quite shocked& upset you reacted in such emotional state. I can see that you are very stressed over little things and very impatient.
Yes, I agree that I shouldn’t brought out topics that happens so many years ago, to me I feel alright bcoz you are my daughter and its a family talk. I am sorry about that.”

To which I replied:

“Morning. I just want to tell you there’s nothing wrong with my mood. Since you want to know I’m going to tell you as an adult I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things that I believed since I was young that really affected my confidence and self esteem.

Growing up, you always believe that you shouldn’t compliment me or tell me you’re proud of my achievements. And even as an adult, that theory still stands strong with you. I’ve learned that you will never change and accepted that.

It’s ok if you don’t tell me you love me or you’re proud of me or if you miss me or even if you’re thankful for me - I accepted that. But when you question my ability and competence to you or this family as a provider or a daughter, this really cuts deep into my heart. I believe I go above and beyond for this family. I take every opportunity to think about this family and sometimes even stretch myself over for you. I can see that you do the same for this family too. I learned from the best and appreciate your sacrifices.

So to hear my own mother criticise me and put me down in public even after I’m well off into adulthood is the most painful thing a daughter can ever go through: it angers me and I don’t appreciate being compared to a younger version of myself that was clearly only 20 years old at that time.

Your insensitivity comes from an entitlement you’re my mother but you disregard the fact that you’re my mother. I only have one mother. And if that mother can’t even show me love and encouragement but instead doubt, discouragement and sometimes even call me useless, stupid, can’t be trusted. How can I feel loved and safe around my own mother?

I’m equally shocked that my own mother can put me down so badly in public or even infront of friends and family when I’ve done literally nothing to you to make you feel this way about me. If you really feel this way about me over something I’ve done as a teenager I’m fairly disappointed you don’t see any form of growth in me. You say you don’t say anything nice bout me to my face - that when you compliment me it’s not infront of me. What I’m hearing is I don’t even deserve it but in contrast to how you talk bout Justin - the tone is always much more gentle, thoughtful and respectful.

I’m telling you this because I don’t know how to keep this all inside while having to still be the model daughter that you want. I always feel like I’m not enough to you and frankly, the reason why I fight back is because you don’t have the same respect you give Justin to me. If that’s the case, I don’t see a point to give you the same respect cause you make me, your only daughter; feel like dog shit whenever it’s convenient to you.

I accept your apology and I’m also sorry I snapped at you, but this is a VERY common occurrence with you and it doesn’t sit well with me. Please, if you still want to fix this relationship between us, I really hope you:

A) realise I need to hear gentle words from you
B) your words as my mother weigh so much more than anybody else in the world - so choose them wisely
C) respect no matter what your relationship is, is earned. I reciprocate whatever energy you give me even though I love you
D) I love you and always will, but I can’t say the same bout you because I’ve only ever known that you think of me as a piece of shit daughter. I feel like it all the time whenever I’m around you.”

If this isn’t the most asian parenting trauma IDK what is. My dad tried to smooth things over the next day by asking us out for dim sum but it was just so awkward. Then today she texted me saying she is coming over to pass me some late lunch. IDK, I feel like she’s going to try to talk to me but I dont think I’m ready for it.

Starting off the Friday with a little bit more energy than before. I realise last night my energy was at an all time low. I woke up cleaning the house and doing basically all I can to keep this house clean and nice. I ended up feeling extremely tired after cleaning the toilet, the kitchen, the floors and doing the laundry. Overkill, I know.

After that whole fiasco and not really doing any work, I realise I was so bored out of mind and got high on edibles, ate so much crap and did fuck all for the benefit of my body. I know this cause I felt like Wednesday I came out of an all time high and had an amazing day, maybe the dopamine depleted and all I was left was this brooding sense of loneliness with no one to share those achievements with.

I was at an all time low. I woke up this morning to a Friday wondering what its like yesterday and why did I put myself through all of that? I woke up feeling more motivated, more positive, more energy in fact. I told myself I have tons to do today and I wanna be productive as much as possible.

The person I was yesterday couldn’t even bring myself to journal. Living alone isn’t hard but I can now see the patterns of someone who does. I found out that I, myself am such a lazy person but works very smart. However, being such a lazy person can be the bane of my existence while I’m living here. It really is such a struggle and alot of effort to maintain a place you really care about.

On top of that, while I was high af last night, Abner texted me this loooonggggg ass fucking confession (for the fourth time) and no matter how many times I reject the dude, he just wont get the hint. So in the end, I told him his behaviour was creeping me out and I have a boyfriend. I was too nice to him before but i guess I needed to be firm.

If this fourth rejection with the boyfriend story doesn’t work on him IDK what to do anymore. Anyway, here’s his 4th confession (don’t take any of what he says seriously, cause his really blew everything out of proportion):

“Before I go on though, I’ll say this once more. I will never put you in an uncomfortable position. I’m not saying all these things to put any sort of pressure on you. I’m saying it because it’s true and it’s just how I feel about you. How ever it is that you respond to all this, I will accept it and I’ll be alright with it.

I suppose you have your reasons as to why you’ve been silent with me. I’d really like to hear from you if it’s alright with you. But if you don’t mind I’d really like you to hear me out.

You know what’s so funny about all of this? Is that even if you’re gonna tell me the same thing that you’ve been telling me, I’d actually be alright with it. Because I’ve come to realise that that’s how much you mean to me. And I can’t help feel the way I do about you Amanda.

The thing is that I’ve actually been wanting to ask you out for awhile now. But for reasons beyond my control, things just started to happen and I never truly got the chance or find the right moment to ask you out.

I’ve been constantly thinking about you Amanda. Not just for the past 3 weeks. But from the very night that we hung out. It scares me a lot. To know how much I’m willing to care for you. But knowing who you are now, I find comfort in knowing that you’re someone who’s worth all that and more.

When you told me that you needed some time alone, and understandably so, I took that literally. That’s why I didn’t text you or anything through out that time. I was actually waiting to hear from you back. I really don’t know what’s been going on with you but I’d really like to. Not hearing anything from you has been difficult for me. I thought of texting you on Valentine’s Day. I even thought of texting you on the 17th to commemorate your first text to me 4 years ago. But I refrained from it because I didn’t want you to think that I’m just scoring points with you. Maybe it’s just me being stupid. And then my birthday came and went and I didn’t hear anything from you. That’s why I decided to call you to check on how you’re doing.

I’m terribly sorry for causing you pain in the past. I know that I’m not perfect. And I know that even you can tell that I tend to say things impulsively from time to time. Adhd. I’m still working on that. But I hope you know that I’ve only ever meant well. I still do regret what I did to you with what you shared with me.

I’ve always figured that I’ll find the right moment to tell you how I feel about you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you how I really truly feel about you Amanda. So I guess I’ll just say it now.

I’m truly deeply in love with you Amanda. I really am. You’ve always been constantly on my mind and in my heart. You really do mean a lot to me. I know I have a strange way of showing it, but it’s just my nature. It’s part of who I am. And even though I’m saying all of this to you knowing that you won’t be able to reciprocate it back, I just want to let you know how I truly feel about you.

You’re a beautiful person Amanda. And I don’t just mean that in a physical manner, cause you really are beautiful. I mean that there’s beauty in your heart. And I’m so fortunate to have the opportunity to get to know that. You have a demeanour about you that makes the world seem brighter. And I truly do love how you care about the world around you. I’ve noticed that from the moment that we met. And I’ll never ever forget what you shared with me. That’s something that is sacred to me now.

If it pleases you, would you allow me to take you out on a date with me Amanda?”

I can’t take this anymore. I literally tried to be gentle with him knowing he was mentally unstable. OH THANK FUCK he doesn’t have my home and house address, he doesn’t know where I live because that would give me the worst anxiety ever.

Anyway, I told myself that today I will finally explore my gym. Hopefully its great. I am also an asthma queen now btw, forgot to mention this. WTF.